Self Understanding, The First Step to Understanding Others

Some years ago I ran into a small study booklet titled, "Self Understanding, the First Step to Understanding Others". The book left a favorable impression on me. Ever since I have been struggling with the theme of self understanding. I pursued the topic at the graduate student level and presented a Master's Degree thesis titled, " The Interpersonal Dimension of Communicating the Gospel". I was the Pastor of a Christian Church at the time. I received the degree along with the interesting comment by the professor that the theme was a bit unusual! Indeed! Nonetheless, the topic of understanding interpersonal communication at any level and in a variety of settings both personal and professional remains to this day.

How to communicate with others, how to frame, verbalize conversation so that sharing thoughts, emotions and consequent behavior result in understanding each other remains quite a challenge. Yes, I can agree just to be agreeable. I can nod, smile, frown, contradict all I want, the matter of experiencing understanding of another is fraught with many peaks and valleys. To this day! But I try and will continue otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post.
 
A few clarifications on the topic. I well know that many would consider the topic very self centered, egotistical and undesirable. Always thinking about himself. His center of the universe is himself which revolves around his wants, wishes and desires. On the other hand, I am talking about self awareness which means self knowledge that what I do and say and behave is desirable to be a good citizen, a useful and productive personality. Furthermore, it compels me to take responsibility for my entire being. And that is quite a responsibility for any one. It is especially relevant in this day and age where placing blame on others is quite popular in both personal and political discourse.

Self awareness suggests a good look in the mirror to own up to how I operate, my attitudes, inclinations hopes and dreams fears and anxieties. This permits me to live my days in a useful and productive manner. I recognize what is commonly called either positive or negative attributes. For example, if I look for the bad in others, I will find it. I if need to be critical of others I can find things to criticize. No problem. If, on the other hand, I chose to look for the good, the positive qualities in others I can find that too.

But the bottom line, I must first look at myself and be a critic of my attitudes, behavior and not chronically look at what is wrong with others. This is the foundation when seeking professional help in relationships whether marriage, family or professional. The inclination is to blame another for any problems rather than seek to understand in what way the client is relating to another. It is not a matter of what is wrong with them, it is what is wrong about me. In fact, it can also be a matter of what is right as well. But it begins with the "I" in things.

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3 Very Small Ways To Become A Better Speaker

I don't mind telling you that I'd like to become a better speaker. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that because of the importance of public speaking you pretty much feel the same way. However, we always face the big challenge - what do we need to do in order to become better? Should we run away for a week in the woods with a speaking guru? Perhaps, but it turns out that there are a number of small things that we can do that will have a big impact on how good of a speaker we become.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

All too often I run into speakers who are not happy. When I talk with them and try to find out what's up, more often than not what I discover is that somebody has done something that this person feels has wronged them. What they have forgotten is that ultimately, they are the ones who are in control of how they feel and if they are going to feel happy, then it's going to be all up to them.

Being a speaker is tough work - it truly takes a lot of energy out of all of us. If you choose to be unhappy, then you are going to discover that being unhappy also takes a lot of work. You'll have less energy to give to your speeches. It's not worth it so don't be unhappy. Develop a positive attitude and you'll be ready to all of the opportunities and challenges that come along with being a speaker.

Did You Remember To Smile Today?

I don't know about you, but I sure wish that I had the ability to control other people. It just seems like everything would go that much easier because everyone would be doing exactly what I wanted them to do. I don't have that ability, but I do have the ability to change other people's moods. All I have to do is to smile at them.

When you smile at someone they really have no choice about what they are going to do next. They are almost forced to smile back at you. When they do this, something happens and all of a sudden they just feel better. What this means is that they now associate you with feeling better. From that association great things can happen. And it all started with just a smile.

Don't Forget Your Sense Of Humor

There are a lot of serious things that we deal with in this life. However, if we don't have a sense of humor then when the unexpected happens we are going to be poorly equipped to handle it. If when something happens, you are just going to stand there and look upset, then that is exactly how your audience is going to be feeling.

Instead, what you need to do is to develop the ability to roll with events as they occur. Look at everything that happens to you and find the lighter side of it. I'm not talking about trying to memorize jokes here, rather I'm talking about having the ability to see events as they unfold and to make your audience laugh about being part of it. If you can get good at this, then you'll be able to keep your audience focused on you even as the unexpected happens.

What All Of This Means For You

When we think about becoming a better speaker, I'm pretty sure that we all picture going off to some military style boot camp where drill sergeants run us through speaking exercises day and night until we can do them in our sleep. Such a place may exist, but it turns out that becoming a better speaker and maximizing the benefits of public speaking is actually much easier to accomplish.

The first thing that we need to understand is that we control our mood - nobody else does. What this means for you is that if you want to be happy, it's going to be up to you to make it happen, not someone else. Next, we have the ability to influence how other people feel. All we have to do is to smile at them and they'll smile back at us. This makes everyone feel better. Finally, when you head off to speak, make sure that you take your sense of humor along. We don't control the world so as things happen, make sure that you and your audience can laugh at them.

When you realize that becoming a better speaker is not only fairly easy to do, but is also in your hands to accomplish, all of sudden this starts to seem like it might be something that you could accomplish. The three things that we've discussed are easy to do. Give it a try and see what comes of it!

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How to Succeed on the Job and During a Search? It's What You Think, Stupid!

Your future success is determined by what you think about yourself right now. Your tomorrows are defined by your today's and what you think about all day long. So your future cannot be any more satisfying than the current opinions you hold of yourself.

By way of example, let's say that during grammar school one of your classmates said that you were a loser. You would hold on to that opinion of yourself to this very day. A negative byproduct of what you think about yourself is that you would be afraid to try new things for fear of failing.

And take the characteristics of poor people who become big lottery winners. They often lose it all. That's because they hold poverty opinions about themselves and are unable to invest their millions wisely. No matter how huge the jackpot they win, their reality is still one of being needy and of hardship. As a result of their thinking, they behave as poor people do.

You can change your mind

"If you believe that your current reality is fixed," said motivational author Louis C. Tice quoted on the Internet, "You get trapped in your own mistaken sense of ""This is the way it is."" You tend to think things are always going to be this way. But Tice says "the present is not permanent. You can change your mind."

What you think is how you'll act

When you possess a negative self-image, you'll act like the schlump you believe you are and always have been. So there's a need to change the image you have of you.

Happy talk

Self-image is a result of what we tell ourselves. If your self-talk is limiting, you are building limitation into your belief system. Always tell yourself who you want to be and what you want to have

Bloody Mary, a character in the Broadway play and movie South Pacific, knew this well when she sang:

"Happy talk, keep talking happy talk,Talk about things you'd like to do,
You gotta have a dream, if you don't have a dream,
How you gonna have a dream come true?"

You always act in line with the daydreams you've created for yourself

When you're able to visualize yourself as successful in your field of work, your subconscious will take over and change how and what you think and therefore act. This happens over a period of time as you work to match the new image of yourself that you hold in your head.

Tice sums it up nicely when he writes, "What you achieve is largely a matter of what you believe; in fact, you might say: believe equals achieve."

How to give yourself an attitude adjustment

So what's an attitude anyway? It's the stance you take and the outlook you have towards something or someone. You aren't born with the attitudes you hold. You've created them by habitual ways you think about a person, place, or situation. This thinking is habitual because attitudes have been programmed into you psyche..

An attitude you hold is positive when someone or something attracts you. The reverse is true when you retreat from something. In that case, you'll have a negative outlook.

Has someone ever accused you of having a bad attitude? If so, it meant you had a negative outlook because that person or situation repulsed you. On the other hand, if someone has complemented you by saying, "I like your attitude," it meant that person attracted you and you had a positive attitude towards her.

Attitude is neither good or bad until you have a goal. If your goal is to get a job in sales but are confronted with an established attitude about hating to ask for something in sales situations, you have a bad attitude. To succeed in a sales job you need to change your mind from fearing to ask for something-the order-to wanting to help customers achieve their goals by using and enjoying the wonderful product or service you provide.

Similarly, if you fear going on job interviews for the same reason, you must change your mind to wanting to show prospective employers how you can help them achieve their hiring goals.

You can eliminate lots of stress by changing your self-image from a person who fails to achieve, to one who deserves and seeks the goal he's after. This kind of visualization can help you to change your mind and your life by changing the picture you hold of yourself.

Two nice takeaways from this article

First, learn to control the way you talk to yourself or think about yourself. As an editor edits his copy, learn to edit your thoughts by substituting negative self-talk to positive and affirming "happy talk."

And second, visualize the end result you want to achieve in any area of life-from business and romance, to the job you want, the salary you deserve, and the kind work environment you desire.
Take it from Bloody Marty:

"You gotta have a dream, if you don't have a dream,

How you gonna have a dream come true?"

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3 Words That Can Change Your Life Forever

7 Simple Steps To Build Rapport Instantly

Does building rapport seem like some sort of mysterious skill you just don’t seem to posses? Worry not! With these seven simple steps, you’ll move from stranger to buddy with just about anybody in almost no time at all.

1) Smile sincerely.

A genuine I-love-my-life, isn’t-it-a-wonderful-day, what-could-be-better-than-this-moment smile is the best way to invite someone new into your world. Smiling at someone communicates a lot of information very quickly. A smile says, “Hello! I’m not threatening. And I like you,” all in a simple gesture that takes less than a second. There is a catch though: if you’re feeling tense and smiling anyway, people will notice. Don’t force a smile when you’re not feeling happy, instead, find a way to enjoy the moment and produce a genuine smile. Forced or tense smiles will not build rapport and will likely leave the recipient feeling confused and suspicious.

2) Make eye contact.

Eye contact is another way to quickly communicate a lot of information. Eye contact tells the other person that you care about what they’re saying. It lets others know that you’re paying attention and noticing them. Eye contact can also convey a lot of emotional content, we can easily tell by looking someone in the eye whether they’re feeling happy, sad, confused, irritated or shy. Take note of your observations as you make eye contact‒you’ll use them in a later step to build even more rapport very quickly.

3) Mirror the other person.

We humans are social creatures, and scientists have found that when we’re feeling connected to one another, we often mirror each other’s physical posture and movement. Have you ever noticed how when you’re on a really great date, you tend to take a drink at the very same time? That’s called social mirroring and you can use it to help build rapport. Again, it doesn’t work well to awkwardly fake this; instead, tune into the person you’re connecting with and allow your body to naturally begin to mirror the other person’s posture. You might lean in, smile at the same times or touch your face. Or, if the other person is more closed off and distant, you may cross your arms, lean back or look away. Either way, you’re building rapport, because when someone is feeling distant, they will still feel more connected to someone else who is equally distant than they would to someone barging into their space.

4) Touch to convey camaraderie.

If you’re noticing some connection happening already, physical touch can be a great way to take things even further. A handshake, a pat on the back or a shoulder nudge convey a sense of friendship and camaraderie. You do need to be careful not to overdo this one though. Too much physical touch too early can come off as needy and desperate. But if used sparingly, you can almost always find a good excuse for some kind of physical touch. Getting someone’s attention by touching their shoulder is a socially acceptable form of touch, even for strangers. And there’s just something comforting about being around people who are okay with physical touch.

5) Get curious.

If there’s one universal human truth, it’s that people love to talk about themselves. So the more curious you can be about another person, and the better a listener you are, the more likely others are able to feel comfortable and walk away from an interaction liking you. Imagine your own experiences of the opposite. Have you ever met someone who wouldn’t let you get a word in edgewise? This person just kept talking about themselves all night long without even a question for you and certainly without a concern about how incredibly bored you were. Don’t be that person. Instead, get genuinely curious about what makes this other person tick. What are their likes and dislikes? What are they passionate about? What are their dreams? Building rapport is all about showing an interest in the other person and being likable. So trust me; let them do more of the talking and you’ll build better rapport every single time.

6) Appreciate, and show it.

On the other hand, you can’t just check out and forget what the other person is sharing. You do have to actually stay engaged, and one of the best ways to be joyfully engaged is to practice appreciation. When we’re enjoying and appreciating someone else, we naturally do the things I’ve already mentioned. We smile more, make more eye contact, reach out to touch them, mirror their posture and want to know more about them. But sharing your appreciation is where it becomes an art form.
Sure, a lot of your appreciation comes across in your body language or the kind look in your eye, but if you want to kick things up a notch, try verbally sharing something specific that you’re appreciating. “Wow, I noticed that when you talked about your mom, your smile was so warm and I could just feel how much you love her. It’s heartwarming to be around someone who loves their mom as much as you do.” Or, “Ha! When you just mentioned that thing about your boss, I thought, wow, I’m glad we don’t work together! You’re feisty and I like it!” One more note on this: the more authentic and real you can be as you share what you’re appreciating, the better. Just making something up or saying something canned won’t come across as genuine. Instead, find something you truly appreciate, even if it seems odd or off-the-wall. Everyone I know would prefer a unique but real moment of appreciation to some canned line about pretty eyes.

7) Share a highlight.

In the same vein, after you’ve been talking for a while, but before the conversation ends, share a highlight with the other person. This leaves them with a moment in time that you most enjoyed during your encounter, and it almost always garners a smile and a, “wow, that was fun,” kind of feeling. For example, “It’s been really great talking with you, and you know, my favorite moment was when I told you that joke and you almost spit your drink out all over the table. That was awesome.” Or, “I’ve really had fun talking with you, but I felt the closest to you when you got all choked up talking about your dad. Thanks for sharing that with me.”

So there you have it: seven simple steps to quickly building rapport with anybody! I would love to hear how it goes, so please feel free to try these out and report back.

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