Self Understanding, The First Step to Understanding Others

Some years ago I ran into a small study booklet titled, "Self Understanding, the First Step to Understanding Others". The book left a favorable impression on me. Ever since I have been struggling with the theme of self understanding. I pursued the topic at the graduate student level and presented a Master's Degree thesis titled, " The Interpersonal Dimension of Communicating the Gospel". I was the Pastor of a Christian Church at the time. I received the degree along with the interesting comment by the professor that the theme was a bit unusual! Indeed! Nonetheless, the topic of understanding interpersonal communication at any level and in a variety of settings both personal and professional remains to this day.

How to communicate with others, how to frame, verbalize conversation so that sharing thoughts, emotions and consequent behavior result in understanding each other remains quite a challenge. Yes, I can agree just to be agreeable. I can nod, smile, frown, contradict all I want, the matter of experiencing understanding of another is fraught with many peaks and valleys. To this day! But I try and will continue otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post.
 
A few clarifications on the topic. I well know that many would consider the topic very self centered, egotistical and undesirable. Always thinking about himself. His center of the universe is himself which revolves around his wants, wishes and desires. On the other hand, I am talking about self awareness which means self knowledge that what I do and say and behave is desirable to be a good citizen, a useful and productive personality. Furthermore, it compels me to take responsibility for my entire being. And that is quite a responsibility for any one. It is especially relevant in this day and age where placing blame on others is quite popular in both personal and political discourse.

Self awareness suggests a good look in the mirror to own up to how I operate, my attitudes, inclinations hopes and dreams fears and anxieties. This permits me to live my days in a useful and productive manner. I recognize what is commonly called either positive or negative attributes. For example, if I look for the bad in others, I will find it. I if need to be critical of others I can find things to criticize. No problem. If, on the other hand, I chose to look for the good, the positive qualities in others I can find that too.

But the bottom line, I must first look at myself and be a critic of my attitudes, behavior and not chronically look at what is wrong with others. This is the foundation when seeking professional help in relationships whether marriage, family or professional. The inclination is to blame another for any problems rather than seek to understand in what way the client is relating to another. It is not a matter of what is wrong with them, it is what is wrong about me. In fact, it can also be a matter of what is right as well. But it begins with the "I" in things.

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Are You Full of Good Intentions? - Part 2

- Ask for help. It's not a sign of weakness to let others be supportive. Or consider buying in help so that you can use your time more efficiently. Some skills like accountancy, technical expertise, PA support can often be outsourced on an ad hoc basis and can reduce your stress levels whilst freeing up your time. On a domestic level it may be useful to consider hiring cleaning, ironing or garden support so that time at home is not spent fully occupied with chores.

- Lists can be a good way to encourage a clearer focus. Spending twenty minutes on a Sunday to assess the week ahead or sitting down each evening to plan the next day can be a great way to bring the spotlight back on those good intentions. Decide what needs to be done each day in order to move towards your goals. Making a phone call, arranging a meeting, filling out a form may seem like tiny steps, but each step can move you in the direction you want to go. At the end of each day give yourself credit for the actions you've taken.

- Failure's okay. If you try something and it doesn't pan out the way you'd hoped, that's fine. You've learned something new, tried something out and possibly made some new contacts along the way. Don't allow failure to signify the end; it's merely a setback or detour along the way, and sometimes those detours can bring unexpected opportunities and gifts.

- Don't wait for everything to be perfect before you have a go. Not every 'I' needs to be dotted or 't' crossed. Often simply getting started can provide sufficient impetus for things to start coming together and happening.

- Use the winter months as a time to de-clutter and clear out the old. When we keep adding to our 'stuff', without taking time to assess what we've already got, we can gradually become mentally and physically overwhelmed and unable to appreciate the things that are important. It's important to make time to occasionally discard the old so that we can appreciate the new.

- Being 'resilient' is often thought of as being tough, strong and keeping going no matter what. In fact resilience demands that we stop occasionally, take stock of things and then adapt and grow in the light of new challenges and new goals. The companies I work with and the workshops I run, place a high value on training staff to be resilient by taking stock of the present moment and learning to adapt to an ever-hanging and unpredictable future.

Just as the trees use winter to shed their leaves and rest awhile, so we too can benefit from a period of reflection and introspection. Use this natural break to consider your options and formulate a viable action plan. Then your good intentions can really start to take shape.

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Are You Full of Good Intentions? - Part 1

December and January can often be months which provide valuable opportunities for reflection and time to evaluate the direction in which our life is heading. The long holiday period can provide a natural break in which to assess what's been achieved during the previous twelve months and give time to start planning for the coming New Year.

We may start January full of good intentions but it's not uncommon to soon fall back into old habits, especially if some of our plans fall by the wayside. Then we can end up berating ourselves, feeling a failure and becoming disappointed at our lack of progress.

Let's consider what may happen, even when we're full of good intentions, and then explore ways to help us maintain our resolve. 

- Check if you're setting yourself goals that don't particularly motivate you. It may be that you're adopting someone else's agenda; they want you to stop smoking, join a gym, learn a particular skill or be a successful business person, but if that doesn't fill you with joy you're not going to sustain your enthusiasm beyond the first hurdle that comes along. You have to really want something in order to persevere though the difficult and stressful times. A positive focus can keep you motivated and on track when the going gets tough.

- Timing is important. There may be many things happening in your life that demand your time and energy, leaving you with few reserves for new challenges and opportunities, no matter how inspirational they may be. Financial worries, children, ailing relatives, a demanding boss may all feature in your life and leave you with little time or mental space to dedicate to something new. If that happens you may need to respect yourself and focus on your immediate quality of life in order to support your health and wellbeing.

- Find something that has meaning for you, that allows you to feel that you've done something really special with your time. But if it's not viable for you to fully immerse yourself in a project or career change at the moment, might you be able to organise your time and commitments a little differently? It might free you up and enable you to become involved in something on a smaller scale that holds real interest for you.

- Is there a way you could discuss your dreams and aspirations and let others know what you'd love to be doing? Others may be genuinely unaware of how you feel or not fully appreciate the many demands that are made of you. You may be perceived as someone who thrives on being busy, who undertakes everything with apparent ease. Share your stresses and let others in.

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Self motivation

Being self-motivated and taking initiative is vitally important to most employers. No one wants to babysit a new member of staff through their work. Equally, however, it is not right to simply ignore instructions or advice and do what you feel is right. So how do you get a balance?

What is self-motivation?

Being self-motivated is about doing your job well because you want to, and not simply because it pays your wages. Self-motivated individuals want to be the best they can be regardless of where they work and will often take responsibility for projects even when they do not need to.

Self-motivated individuals tend to:

• Work longer and later than others
• Learn new skills and take regular training courses
• Take ownership of problems
• Become team leaders
• Go above and beyond their job description

Why do employers want self-motivated people?

Self-motivated employees need a lot less managing than less determined individuals, so are highly sought after by recruitment agencies and HR departments.

If you are self-motivated, you will normally want everything you do to be of the highest quality and you will always see the bigger picture that the company is looking at. Self-motivated individuals are motivated by improving themselves, and they only way they can do this is by making the company they work for better.

How can you show you have it?

Desire and self-motivation are difficult qualities to show. Expect to be asked questions about times when you have risen to a challenge or taken control of a situation. Employers are looking for people who have taken charge of a situation and solved it in a creative or innovative way. Fundraising is a good way to show initiative, as is times when you’ve identified a problem and come up with a solution.

You can also demonstrate self-motivation by emphasising the quality of your work and the impact it has had on your studies or previous jobs.







How is self-motivation used in the world of work?

It is much easier to demonstrate self-motivation once you’ve actually landed the job. Little things like getting to work ten minutes early are noticed. Make sure you ask your manager questions and show a desire to do well – if your manager identifies an issue, go away, think about it and try to come up with a solution. Enthusiasm can go a long way.

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7 Simple Steps To Build Rapport Instantly

Does building rapport seem like some sort of mysterious skill you just don’t seem to posses? Worry not! With these seven simple steps, you’ll move from stranger to buddy with just about anybody in almost no time at all.

1) Smile sincerely.

A genuine I-love-my-life, isn’t-it-a-wonderful-day, what-could-be-better-than-this-moment smile is the best way to invite someone new into your world. Smiling at someone communicates a lot of information very quickly. A smile says, “Hello! I’m not threatening. And I like you,” all in a simple gesture that takes less than a second. There is a catch though: if you’re feeling tense and smiling anyway, people will notice. Don’t force a smile when you’re not feeling happy, instead, find a way to enjoy the moment and produce a genuine smile. Forced or tense smiles will not build rapport and will likely leave the recipient feeling confused and suspicious.

2) Make eye contact.

Eye contact is another way to quickly communicate a lot of information. Eye contact tells the other person that you care about what they’re saying. It lets others know that you’re paying attention and noticing them. Eye contact can also convey a lot of emotional content, we can easily tell by looking someone in the eye whether they’re feeling happy, sad, confused, irritated or shy. Take note of your observations as you make eye contact‒you’ll use them in a later step to build even more rapport very quickly.

3) Mirror the other person.

We humans are social creatures, and scientists have found that when we’re feeling connected to one another, we often mirror each other’s physical posture and movement. Have you ever noticed how when you’re on a really great date, you tend to take a drink at the very same time? That’s called social mirroring and you can use it to help build rapport. Again, it doesn’t work well to awkwardly fake this; instead, tune into the person you’re connecting with and allow your body to naturally begin to mirror the other person’s posture. You might lean in, smile at the same times or touch your face. Or, if the other person is more closed off and distant, you may cross your arms, lean back or look away. Either way, you’re building rapport, because when someone is feeling distant, they will still feel more connected to someone else who is equally distant than they would to someone barging into their space.

4) Touch to convey camaraderie.

If you’re noticing some connection happening already, physical touch can be a great way to take things even further. A handshake, a pat on the back or a shoulder nudge convey a sense of friendship and camaraderie. You do need to be careful not to overdo this one though. Too much physical touch too early can come off as needy and desperate. But if used sparingly, you can almost always find a good excuse for some kind of physical touch. Getting someone’s attention by touching their shoulder is a socially acceptable form of touch, even for strangers. And there’s just something comforting about being around people who are okay with physical touch.

5) Get curious.

If there’s one universal human truth, it’s that people love to talk about themselves. So the more curious you can be about another person, and the better a listener you are, the more likely others are able to feel comfortable and walk away from an interaction liking you. Imagine your own experiences of the opposite. Have you ever met someone who wouldn’t let you get a word in edgewise? This person just kept talking about themselves all night long without even a question for you and certainly without a concern about how incredibly bored you were. Don’t be that person. Instead, get genuinely curious about what makes this other person tick. What are their likes and dislikes? What are they passionate about? What are their dreams? Building rapport is all about showing an interest in the other person and being likable. So trust me; let them do more of the talking and you’ll build better rapport every single time.

6) Appreciate, and show it.

On the other hand, you can’t just check out and forget what the other person is sharing. You do have to actually stay engaged, and one of the best ways to be joyfully engaged is to practice appreciation. When we’re enjoying and appreciating someone else, we naturally do the things I’ve already mentioned. We smile more, make more eye contact, reach out to touch them, mirror their posture and want to know more about them. But sharing your appreciation is where it becomes an art form.
Sure, a lot of your appreciation comes across in your body language or the kind look in your eye, but if you want to kick things up a notch, try verbally sharing something specific that you’re appreciating. “Wow, I noticed that when you talked about your mom, your smile was so warm and I could just feel how much you love her. It’s heartwarming to be around someone who loves their mom as much as you do.” Or, “Ha! When you just mentioned that thing about your boss, I thought, wow, I’m glad we don’t work together! You’re feisty and I like it!” One more note on this: the more authentic and real you can be as you share what you’re appreciating, the better. Just making something up or saying something canned won’t come across as genuine. Instead, find something you truly appreciate, even if it seems odd or off-the-wall. Everyone I know would prefer a unique but real moment of appreciation to some canned line about pretty eyes.

7) Share a highlight.

In the same vein, after you’ve been talking for a while, but before the conversation ends, share a highlight with the other person. This leaves them with a moment in time that you most enjoyed during your encounter, and it almost always garners a smile and a, “wow, that was fun,” kind of feeling. For example, “It’s been really great talking with you, and you know, my favorite moment was when I told you that joke and you almost spit your drink out all over the table. That was awesome.” Or, “I’ve really had fun talking with you, but I felt the closest to you when you got all choked up talking about your dad. Thanks for sharing that with me.”

So there you have it: seven simple steps to quickly building rapport with anybody! I would love to hear how it goes, so please feel free to try these out and report back.

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