Communication That Isn't Perfect

Are you ever worried that your communication isn't perfect? Before your conversation (i.e. in your head), you know what you want to say and how you want to say it. You may have also considered what the other person's thoughts or objections may be. You may even have learnt some new techniques (be it in training or coaching), but when put into practice it doesn't quite work out.

Communication is rarely going to be perfect. No two moments are the same, and no two conversations will be the same. So, rather than give ourselves a hard time if our discussion didn't go to plan, we have a great opportunity to learn from the imperfections!

Stressing out about a conversation, and trying to make it perfect, can only make it harder to do. And by being anxious, you also can't be the most effective YOU.

I remember going into appraisals with my team, concerned about how I was going to say the right thing, especially if it was going to be thought of as criticism. How do I position it, when do I say it, will they accept it or will the barriers go up and we achieve nothing?

Human nature, and therefore communication, is complicated. We have different preferences, different working styles, different tolerances and different motivational needs. We also have different experiences and knowledge we draw upon when we enter any kind of communication. What we hear and how we feel about the conversation is based on our own personal thoughts, and not necessarily what is being said to us.

I've always loved this quote: "I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant." - Pentagon Spokesman, Robert McCloskey

But we can help ourselves get the best out of our communication style. By relaxing, and accepting that every conversation will be different, we take the pressure off. We are then activating our executive part of our brain, where we can make connections and notice what is happening during the conversation.

To help yourself (and the other party) get the best from the communication:

• Develop self-awareness to understand how your attitudes, behaviours and beliefs contribute to your communication style.
• Develop your leadership skills to understand and appreciate different personality types and motivational needs.
• Develop the confidence to actively listen, make mistakes and encourage people to contribute to discussions.
• Understand how cognitive biases could be at play in your decision making and discussions.
• Take notice of where someone with a different point of view and challenge your thinking on it.

 
When we are not busy stressing about our own "performance" during the conversation, we can watch for tone and facial expressions. We can sense when someone has put their barriers up, or is no longer listening. We can bring authenticity. And therefore, we no longer have to worry about communication that isn't quite perfect.

 

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Quick Tips for Better Self Confidence

1) How to Feel Good When You Need to

Because self confidence and feeling good has a major 'hormonal' element, you can change the way you feel by re-living good times. If you can remember a time you felt really self confident, then excellent - use that! If not, then use a time you felt contented or happy. Taking deliberate control of your thoughts and emotions will have an huge impact on your self confidence and other areas of your life.

2) Beating Self Consciousness, Confidence Enemy No.1 

Although useful for learning about the impact you have on others, too much self consciousness is the No.1 enemy of self confidence. The trick is keeping your attention off yourself when you need to. Here's how...

a) When you feel self-conscious, (you can usually tell because you start to feel anxious), choose something outside of yourself to focus on and study it in detail. For example: examine a door, look at the different textures and shades of colour, wonder about who made it and how and so on. The important thing is that you're learning how to keep your attention off yourself.

It is a good idea to practise this technique in private first. Just sit quietly, practising focusing firstly on your own thoughts and then deliberately focusing outwards onto a picture or piece of furniture.

b) Social self confidence can be difficult to find sometimes because it is unclear what you are 'supposed to do'. In this event, concentrate on what your purpose in the situation is. Whether you're there to:

• find out if you like the other people present
• make others feel comfortable
• find out some information
• make business contacts
• and so on...

It's much more difficult to feel self-conscious if your mind is occupied with a task.
People are often most comfortable with others when working towards a common goal. The common goal of socialising could be making friends, the exchange of mutually beneficial information, expanding your knowledge of different types of people... it could be whatever you want it to be! The key is to have an aim.

3) Watch Out for Undue Criticism - Especially Your Own!

Have you noticed that people will speak to themselves in a way they would never speak to others? You know the sort of thing - you break a glass and it's "You stupid idiot. You can't do anything right can you?"
Criticism that leaves the receiver feeling upset or depressed is rarely useful.
Challenging your own assumptions about yourself and other people can really help build self confidence. Here's a few to get you started:

1. Those confident-looking people have bad moments too - you just don't get to hear about them!

2. If you feel under-confident, it doesn't mean other people can tell. They're often too caught up with their 'own stuff' to notice!

3. If you catch yourself saying things to yourself like "I'm no good at anything" then rest assured, you're wrong about that. Everyone can compose a sentence, get successfully to the store, eat without choking and do a million other things. Emotion can make things seem hopeless when they rarely are.

Don't let yourself make sweeping statements about yourself - in the long run it is this sort of thing that can really damage your self image. If this happens, say to yourself calmly and gently, "Hold on a minute, that's not true". If you can come up with some evidence that disproves the sweeping statement, then even better. It may take a bit of effort at first, but the impact on your self confidence levels is huge.

Building self esteem is not just about thinking good of yourself, it's about not thinking bad for no reason!

4. Just because you have felt bad about yourself in the past doesn't mean you're always going to feel that way. I have seen hundreds of people surprise themselves once they have learned how to build self confidence in a way that it stays built!

The important thing is to get away from thinking "Why did that happen?", or "Why do I feel this way?" and towards "How would I like to feel?", "In what situations do I feel confident?" or, "What do I need to learn in order to have better self confidence in this situation?"

5. Persevere and don't expect everything at once. Really learn how to develop your self confidence by following the tips from this site and the free Self Confidence Course and notice the small differences as they happen. Building good self confidence is a wonderful thing, and it's much easier than you'd imagine.

Regular confidence boosts can make all the difference

 

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