5 Tips to Increase Your Assertiveness

Assertiveness is all about being present in a relationship,” according to Randy Paterson, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships. In other words, you’re able to articulate your wants and needs to the other person, and you welcome their wants and needs as well. Being assertive is starkly different from being passive or aggressive. Paterson has a helpful analogy that distinguishes the differences. He explained:

In the passive style, all the world is allowed on stage but for you — your role is to be the audience and supporter for everyone else. In the aggressive style, you’re allowed on stage but you spend most of your time shoving the others off, like in a lifelong sumo match. With the assertive style, everyone is welcome onstage. You are entitled to be a full person, including your uniqueness, and so are others.

“Assertiveness involves advocating for yourself in a way that is positive and proactive,” said Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC. It also means being clear, direct and honest, she said.

For instance, if you’re upset with your boss over your performance review, you’re able to express your opinion in a diplomatic and professional way, she said. Again, this is very different from the other styles. If you’re passive, you might swallow your feelings and become resentful, which can chip away at your self-esteem and boost stress and anxiety, she said. If you’re aggressive, you might curse out your boss and quit. If you’re passive-aggressive, you might call in sick and give your boss the silent treatment, she said.

Why Some People Aren’t Assertive

Why are some people assertive while others aren’t? Many factors may contribute. Stress is one. “The fight-or-flight response is an evolutionary adaptation that pulls us toward aggression or avoidance, and away from calm, relaxed assertiveness,” Paterson said.

A person’s belief system also plays a role. According to Paterson, these assertive-sabotaging stances include: “Being nice means going along with others” or “It doesn’t matter if I’m assertive, no one will pay attention anyway” or “He’ll leave me!” That’s why it’s so important to become aware of these beliefs. “[This way you] can examine them clearly and rationally and decide what to do,” he said.

People with low self-esteem may feel inadequate and have a hard time finding their voice, Marter said. Others might fear conflict, losing a relationship, criticism or rejection, she said.

If you’re a woman, you might’ve been raised to set aside your needs and opinions and support and agree with others, Paterson said. If you’re a man, you might’ve been raised to react aggressively with a “my way or the highway” view, he said. Or just the opposite, you might want to be completely different. “[These individuals may be] fearful of provoking aggression when they are present in relationships, or of being ‘a jerk like my father was.’”

 

How to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. It may always be easier for you to swallow your feelings, scream at someone or give them the silent treatment. But assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others.


As Paterson writes in The Assertiveness Workbook:

Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don’t try to become someone else’s mirror. We don’t try to suppress someone else’s uniqueness. We don’t try to pretend that we’re perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there.

These are some ideas to get you started.

1. Start small. You wouldn’t try to scale a mountain before reading a manual, practicing on a rock wall and then moving on to bigger peaks. Going in unprepared just sets you up for failure. Paterson suggested trying to be assertive in mildly tense situations, such as requesting to be seated at a different spot at a restaurant. Then gently work up to tougher situations such as talking to your spouse about infidelity issues, he said.

2. Learn to say no. People worry that saying no is selfish. It’s not. Rather, setting healthy limits is important to having healthy relationships.


3. Let go of guilt. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive or a people pleaser most of your life. The first few times it can feel unnerving. But remember that being assertive is vital to your well-being. “Assertive behavior that involves advocating for oneself in a way that is respectful of others is not wrong — it is healthy self-care,” Marter said.

Sometimes, you might be unwittingly perpetuating your guilty feelings with negative thoughts or worries. “Replace negative thoughts — such as ‘I am a bad person for not loaning my friend money’ — with a positive mantra [such as] ‘I deserve to have financial stability and not put myself in jeopardy,’” she said.

Deep breathing also helps ease your worries and anxiety. “Breathe in what you need — peace, strength, serenity — and breathe out feelings of guilt, anxiety or shame.”
And if you still feel uncomfortable, put yourself in a compassionate parent or best friend’s shoes. “Sometimes it is easier to think about speaking up for somebody else who we love than it is for ourselves,” Marter said.

4. Express your needs and feelings. Don’t assume that someone will automatically know what you need. You have to tell them. Again, be specific, clear, honest and respectful, Marter said.

Take the example of ordering food at a restaurant, she said. You’d never just order a “sandwich.” Instead you’d request a “tuna on rye with slices of cheddar cheese and tomatoes.” If you’re worried of upsetting someone, use “I” statements, which usually make people less defensive.

According to Marter, instead of saying, “You have no clue what my life is like, and you are a selfish ass,” you might say, “I am exhausted and I need more help with the kids.” What also helps is tempering your anger and speaking from a place of hurt, she said, such as: “I feel so lonely and need you to spend time with me.”

“Focus on the real issue, not the minutiae,” she said. In other words, “are you really mad that the toilet seat was left up or that you were up with the baby five times the night before?” If it’s the baby — and it likely is — be clear and specific: “I am upset that I was up with the baby five times last night and need for you to get up at least twice a night.”

5. Check out resources on assertiveness. In addition to Paterson’s The Assertiveness Workbook, Marter recommended Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th Edition) by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons and Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others by Judy Murphy. Paterson also suggested taking a course on effective communication.

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Speaking with Confidence in Work and in Life

Speaking with confidence will improve every area of your life.  The same confident tone that will make you more attractive to women will also earn you more respect and authority in the workplace.  Below are a few tips on speaking with confidence that will help you develop the strong, powerful tone for projecting confidence in any situation.

Slow down

The most common mistake men make that prevents them from speaking with confidence is speaking too quickly.  When a guy speaks quickly it often gives the impression that he’s nervous, insecure, or lacks self-control.  It’s crucial then to practice speaking at a slower, more relaxed pace.  Speaking in a calm, deliberate manner shows confidence – even dominance – and gives the impression that you’re a man who is in control.

When to start speaking

A similar mistake men make is that they rush into speaking.  During a conversation a guy may start talking the same moment (or even moments before) the other person finishes speaking.  Jumping in and talking immediately like this can make a guy look a little too eager –and even worse – make the other person may feel as though she wasn’t being heard.  A good practice then is work on pausing for a second or two after a person speaks before you start talking.  Taking your time like this shows you’re relaxed, confident, and are actually interested in what the other person is saying.

Eliminate filler words

Filler words (words as “umm”, “uhh””, “like…”, etc.) are used to take up space while a person tries to figure out what to say next.  But using them just makes a guy look uncertain of what he’s saying.  So if you want to sound more confident when speaking, eliminate these filler words completely.  What should you put in their place?  Nothing.  If you need a moment to think of what to say next simply pause and hold that silence.  Silent pauses are incredibly powerful as they build tension and suck people in.  If you can hold those brief moments of silence without feeling the need to fill that silence with useless sounds, people will start to hang off your every word.

Don’t just be loud

Men sometimes confuse speaking with confidence as speaking loudly.  While speaking loud enough to be heard is important, what matters even more that volume is your pitch and cadence (cadence is basically the rhythm of your voice).  To project confidence then, be sure to keep a low pitch and a smooth cadence when speaking (don’t bounce the pitch around, frequently going from high to low to high).  Maintaining a low, steady tone of voice is a surefire way to sound more confident.

Speaking without tension

That low, dominant tone that makes you sound confident comes about naturally when you release the tension in your voice.  The muscles in your shoulders, neck, jaw and throat all affect your voice tone so you want to relax those muscles when speaking.  To get those muscles relaxed here’s an exercise you can try:  Start by taking a slow, deep breath.  As you exhale make a noise that’s half yawn/half sigh and soften any tension you feel in your jaw, throat, neck and shoulders.  This exercise will help you become aware of the existing tension in your voice so that you’ll be able to relax that tension when speaking.

 
The importance of breathe

Taking slow, steady, deep breaths as you speak will ensure you have a slow, steady, deep voice.  The key to obtaining this kind of breath is to make sure that you’re not just breathing into your chest but instead are breathing deep into your belly.  You should be able to feel your lower rib cage expand out as you inhale and your belly should rise and fall as you breathe in and out.  If this sounds like too much to remember there’s a very simply way to think of it.  When you breathe in, imagine breathing that air deep into your balls.  Visualizing your breath like this ensures you’ll take the deep, full breaths needed for speaking with confidence.

Adding authority to your speech

When people are uncertain of what they’re saying the pitch of their voice automatically goes up at the end of a sentences.  You hear this all the time when people ask questions but it can happen when people give statements, too.  If you want to add an extra touch of authority to your speech do the opposite and end your sentences by lowering your pitch.  Even if you’re asking a question, this downward inflection is going to make you sound much more confident in what you’re asking.

Stay present

A lot of the problems mentioned above – speaking too quickly, tightening your voice, breathing into the chest instead of the belly – come about when we lose presence.  It’s when we get so wrapped up in what we should say next (or what people might think of us) that these bad habits take hold.  To prevent this, stay aware of the sound of your voice when you speak.  This will keep you grounded so those nasty habits won’t come creeping in unnoticed.

Practice improving your voice

For these tips to become a part of your natural way of speaking it’s important to practice them.  An easy way to do this is to record your voice during a phone conversation with a friend.  Listening to a recording of your voice will make you aware of some of the mistakes you’re making and areas you can improve upon.  Do this on a regular basis (maybe once a week) and it will be much easier to cut out bad speaking habits and replace them with good ones.

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